Laura is a longstanding Champion and active volunteer for Time to Change Wales. In this blog she speaks out about living with depression and her recent diagnosis of ME, which has changed the way she's been able to live her day to day life.
It's gone 2am - another night of laying there; trying my hardest to fall asleep. Each day is different, but the early hours is a common thing for me. The dark thoughts that go through your head which never seem to switch off. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not a failure, and that things can be good. But as soon as I believe it, things turn even darker.
I've had severe depression for many years and I know how badly it affected me. However, since January, my mental health has taken on a whole new level. In January, I was diagnosed with ME. It wasn't great, but all I could see was this path that would help me get better.
Unfortunately, lack of research with ME means that there are no definite tests, or medicines, or therapy. By May I was on the highest dosage of one tablet, and on prescribed morphine. Even with this medicine and amazing support from my GP to talk to, my ME got worse. My mobility is very limited now and am still waiting for my wheelchair to come in. This last weekend, I couldn't leave the bed at all. On the Friday, my partner had to carry me from one room to another. I stopped eating. I couldn't rest or sleep even though my body needed it.
Although ME is one condition and my mental health is another; I've started to realise that they are one of the same. If I rest for my ME, my thoughts attack me so badly telling me things like I'm a disappointment and a failure. Yet if I don't rest, my mind is okay, but my body collapses almost instantly. My life has become a vicious cycle, and each day is harder than the last. I have never Googled Samaritans and related helplines this much before.
"My ME affects me doing everything I love, like talking to my friends, and volunteering. Even some of my dreams aren't possible anymore due to my health...Every day is a fight. But every day I also become stronger than before. I'm proud of that."
My ME affects me doing everything I love, like talking to my friends, and volunteering. Even some of my dreams aren't possible anymore due to my health.
I read an article recently about not wanting to die, but not wanting to face each day anymore. I recognised the author being a mental health advocate and found it somewhat comforting that I wasn't alone in feeling these types of suicidal feelings. People are talking about mental health more, but there is work that still needs to be done. I think more needs to be highlighted regarding how chronic illnesses can play havoc on your mental health. Having ME has made me lose myself, and stopped me from doing so many things. Nothing prepares you for this sudden fall-off-a-cliff feeling in your mind. The self-stigma towards myself has never been this bad.
But I needed to remember that this is new, and this is understandably a life changing challenge.
My family and friends call me brave. I don't think I am. I am a fighter though and I will continue to fight these conditions. I found an ME group online and now have this group chat with these awesome people who get me. They remind me that it isn't silly or weird to feel lost due to this condition. We help each other. We also make each other laugh by sending each other photos of our pets. I am also grateful to my loved ones and my awesome friend; those who have always been there. Despite my darkest thoughts, I know I'll always have their support.
Dealing with challenging times is difficult, and I know I am fortunate to have the support I do. I can't express how important it is to have someone "stand in your corner." Those who have gotten me through the dark days and help encourage you to do things. Yesterday, I found the strength in myself to write some more music. I also ordered in two mannequins so I can start dressmaking. I'm also creating a new type of bucket list of things I want to do. My hope is that this will allow me to have something to focus on and look forward to.
Everyday is a fight. But everyday I also become stronger than before. I'm proud of that.
